Lessons Learned in Losing my Dad

My relationship with dad has been on a journey since he passed away— oddly, without him actually being here.

God has been bringing to light my *interpretations* of things my dad said/didn’t say and did/didn’t do over the years we had together.

In the mix of all of these things, the wrestling, the tears, the laughter and the questions, this is what God gave me as I lingered by the graveside:

Go, Steph, go.

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think about how your dad feels about you— how he feels about the fact that you are his daughter?

How has it influenced how you think God feels about you?

I still remember answering the phone and hearing mom say, “Say goodbye!” We had just returned home three hours south of where you were, unsure of how much time you had left here on earth.

I don’t remember what I said, only that I didn’t know how to say goodbye.

Mom said you looked up to the corner of the living room and smiled your famous smile you hadn’t smiled for weeks, looked back and her and just like that, you were gone.

I sat in the front row listening intently as he said with sincerity, conviction and confidence, "Following God has been the greatest adventure of my life." As his words drifted into my ears and settled in my heart, I thought to myself, I want that same kind of adventure.

The very word adventure intrigued me, perhaps because my life had felt fairly ordinary. No significantly life-altering events (positive or negative), had characterized my life. The very possibility of excitement, remarkability, and unpredictability was a welcome interruption in my seemingly ordinary life.  

 I can't believe it's been 6 years since I last saw you. In some ways it feels like forever and other times, just like yesterday.

 On the long weekend, we went camping. (Even Christina! 😊) Grandpa Jim was playing with the kids at the beach and Ang commented, that's exactly what dad would be doing if he were here. Grandpapa took the older kids biking and fishing and we know you'd of been right in on the action. Even Uncle Lope came. One afternoon, he was napping in our trailer, arms up, feet crossed, when Mike came out and said jokingly, if anyone wants to see your dad sleeping he's in there! You would've loved it. Everyone was there and together. Though we probably would've made you sleep in your car. After all, who can sleep with all that snoring?

It's almost the 5th Father's Day we've had to celebrate without you.  I'm so thankful that you are no longer in pain or suffering but do I ever still wish on a daily basis that you were around. Since I can't tell you that, it somehow feels a bit therapeutic to just put my thoughts out there.... somewhere. I don't know... maybe God gives little windows...?  

Today marks the 4 year anniversary of my dad's passing. Even though we remember him in a special way on this day, there's not a day that goes by where I don't think about him. He continues to impact my life in countless ways. As I reflect on what he left behind, there is always one thing that comes to mind- the great gift for which I am most thankful.